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So Separatist
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My Thoughts On Danni


This is a story I will never forget, it taught me so many things, like honesty and openness and being true to yourself.  So little Adam met a girl.  I thought I had the moves, 23 year old been with enough people in my wayward youth to know them all, so I thought anyway.  But this girl was way different.  Danielle, 33 years old in love with life, appreciates everything from good music to good food.

So a great time was had, spent nearly two weeks every evening with this girl, appreciating each other (i know i know it's the cleanest way I could think of putting it without sounding slushy).

But there is a complication, an ex, she was still in love with.  So you can imagine, she wanted to just be friends (said in between appreciating sessions)and was that ok?  Which it was at first, it seemed like a great thing, free appreciating without the complexity of a relationship.  

This seemed to be going fine for her, and steadily I was finding myself more and more wishing that she would become a more permanent fixture in my life.  The appreciating was wicked, and I was taught different ways to appreciate, but found myself actually liking the girl outside the friendship barrier.

Now I put this down to my character, read my poetry if you want confirmation, I am a kind of needy person, ok needy is a bit strong, but I like the idea of sharing my life with someone else, sharing creativity and learning in return about someone else, having all the time in the world to do so.  So I said nothing (smart move go on say it).

Well me Danni and a housemate went out clubbing in our local area (so we knew we were in for a dodgy night, I even forgot my bullet proof vest) and two things happened that I paid no real attention to.  First thing was I received a text message from a female friend, and Danni took a little umbridge and I quote 'I don't want any stupid women texting you.'  Silly me got confused as to why my appreciative friend would say such a thing.  The other thing was, I was talking to another female (an old friend from College and School) for a while, I hadn't seen her for ages so playing catch up seemed the obvious thing to do.  Danni didn't take kindly to this apparently (though I didn't hear her grumbling about it Housemate told me later)

Well, that night, before any throes of passion or other type of appreciative behaviour she asked the question.  'Are you ok just being just friends, thought for a minute you were getting feelings' to which I quite smoothly replied 'I am a man, I don't have feelings remember' smiling cheekily, and had got out of answering it until the morning, afraid if I told her the truth then she would leave.

The morning came, the question came up and I lied saying something like 'I am cool with this (great turn of phrase isn't it) if I don't become cool I will let you know' now this seemed honestly like the only way to keep her, and I didn't want to lose her just yet I was enjoying her company her conversation, her wit and her appreciation (squeal).

In my defence now, I just said what I thought she should hear, bearing in mind I knew nothing of her feelings for me yet, as I had no time to talk to my housemates or anything.  So yes I lied and bungled it, and deserve not to get anything from it, but I was getting used to waking up to her.  She gave me a reason to cook breakfast, come home for lunch and be happy with myself.  I didn't want to give up the best thing that had happened to me for a long time now did I?

Now of course housemate asked me what was going on, I was feeling guilty anyway, wishing I had told her the truth, and this is when I found out there was a chance Danni may have actually liked me for more than my appreciation.

So what did I do with this information, I didn't trust it, I just carried on regardless.  But Danni stopped wanting to talk to me, no explanation, nothing, just didn't return calls or texts.  Now I wondered if there was something behind my housemates story, well I found out last night.

What I thought she would prefer hearing was completely the wrong answer.  It kind of wrenches with me that I stood a chance, she was everything I wanted recently, I was having fun and sharing myself with someone and blew it.

The moral of this story, be honest, don't be frightened of how uncool it is to really like someone, because if I was honest I would not have had the gut wrenching week, just waiting for a call, just wanting her to reply.  Oh and if you get information from a housemate, do something about it, because when she found out I knew she went ballistic.  If I had to do it again I wouldn't try and save face or wimp out of getting the girl.   It is true, faint of heart never wins fair lady.

adzx

Posted: March 23, 2005 ,   Modified: March 24, 2005

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