My journey to Him

I was unhappy and lonely so I surrounded my self with material possessions.  I thought if I can just acquire enough things I will be happy but soon I realized that even amid all of my hard won toys I was still empty inside.  Aha, alcohol will fill that empty spot and I will no longer be miserable. So…. I drank and I drank but no amount of booze would make that emptiness go away.  Then I saw how happy the people that did drugs were.  That must be the secret to happiness.  So… I drank and did drugs until I was insensible but even in my drunkest drugged state the emptiness remained.  Well then, it must be friends I am lacking.  So… I surrounded myself with people all drinking and drugging, laughing and joking.  But still over the noise of their laughter the emptiness mocked me.  I put away those things thinking maybe if I was clean and sober I would find happiness.  Maybe work would make complete me.  So… I worked and I worked. Forty hours a week, fifty hours a week and still though too tired to even think the emptiness remained.  I tried men, I tried drink, I tried drugs, I tried things, I tried friends, and I tried self-help books.  I even tried therapy but still there was a huge hole inside me that refused to go away.  Finally I gave up.  I went back to the drugs, the drink, and the crowds and gave in to all the darkest things I could find.  And in my darkest, deepest despair a still, small voice called out to me.  “Here I am.”  

At first I could only laugh at the mere thought that religion could fix a life so totally destroyed.  But the voice persisted.  “Here I am.”  How could God love someone like me?  Wasn’t I the perfect example of everything the Bible said was bad?  Why would God want me?  Even my own mother hated me.  No one had ever loved me.  Some had loved my money.  Some had loved my things.  Some had loved my drugs and some had loved my body but no one had ever loved me because no one had ever known me.  And if they had known me and all the things I had done they surely would have run away from me as fast as they could.  Still, Jesus persisted in calling me.  I turned and took a very small baby step towards Him and there He was, arms open wide waiting for me.  It took me a very long time to finally find my knees and ask Him into my heart.  I had so much to ask forgiveness for.  Would it really be possible for Him to wash away the layers and layers of sin?  I didn’t know but I finally realized that I wanted to find out.  On my knees I asked Him in to my heart and truly repented of all the evil I had done.  I started reading His word and praying to Him for His help.  It wasn’t long before I realized that Jesus had everything I had ever needed.  With Him in my heart there was no room for loneliness or pain or heartache.  All along it was Him and Him alone that could fill that emptiness.  Yes there have been times since then that I have struggled and been afraid but whenever those dark times come I hit my knees and His love always sees me through.  If the Lord can love me then I could learn to love myself.  If the Lord could forgive me then I could learn to forgive myself.  It is amazing that the closer I walk with Jesus the more complete I am.  His word is like the finest elixir there ever was.  Only He can change a heart and fill that aching emptiness that I had tried so hard to fill.  I have learned that it doesn’t matter who you are or what you have done.  Jesus loves you and wants to hold you close to Him.  He longs to take away the pain and give you peace if only you will let Him.

Posted: July 17, 2005 ,   Modified: July 17, 2005