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I posted this Blog on my other site. Now I'm posting it here.
Is It Fair, Father?
Is It Fair, Father?
It was a normal thing to advertise for a text pal. I even put an ad about myself to meet new friends thru texting. But it only proved me one thing; a lot of people just enjoy deceiving others. And for a priest to do such thing? I don't know... I think it's just right to say that "honesty is such a lonely word".
I saw his ad on the local news and I texted him. First the number was that of Smart but he transferred on another number which of Globe. He said he was Ayel. in his mid twenties, a BS Philosophy graduate from UST in Manila who seeks job here in Bacolod or Iloilo. I never really took interest of him because he was younger than me, he was still jobless and I thought of him as some kind of a gigolo hunting for matronas for financial security. He said what he wanted was textmate who was a sex maniac and hahaha... I cannot recommend anybody of that type. However because of my disappointments in the texting business, I began to to talk to him to pass the boredom and loneliness.
I liked his gut, his intelligence, the way he texted and his imaginations. He would call every night and we talked. He had a very nice voice. He talked of nasty things which at first I thought I have no business of reflecting whether it was right or wrong. Who cares about him anyway. I was so fed up with men trying to lure women. However, indulged with his imaginations. When he asked me of sex experience I would say I had plenty from different men, in different places, in different positions! I even told him that I was having body aches because I have just indulged in a sex feat which was not true of course! Anyway. who cares? I never wanted a friend like him.
But things went into something deeper that I started to like his company. We planned to meet at Robinsons Place. We agreed to be as carefree, just friends and no strings attached. Anyway I thought I was "manhid" and I've learned much, especially with things concerning men. "Nasusuka na ako sa mga kasinungalingan nila", I said to myself with selfproclaimed confidence.
It was November 1. No one was in the mall. I was in my orange blouse and black pants. He was urging to wear skirt for him to see my legs.... hahaha... I thought I was fooling him. It was me who fell in his traps. I never saw him but he saw me.
I said I was tough but no I wasn't. I was very sad, I liked to have a real friend and how much I have wished he was real. I was hurt when I have thought he was not. But he continued to communicate. He told me he was out of load so was not able to contact me anymore because I went away too fast and he was not sure who really I was during the time. He was too smart.... I was liked that tricky fox who for a need believed everything. My stupidity!
I sent him that article(the one I wrote when I joined Dove).. and he knew who really I was. He assured me of our friendship, that those men I had been referring to were the "gagos" of men. I have thought he was the exception. The friendship went through with our plans to meet next time, when everything was ready enough.
At the end of November he said he was in Manila for the company where he worked. He said he was a webmaster. He created a website, I was overwhelmed. "Kamanul gid abi sa akon." He created a forum site "Para kay Wings". How happy and special I was. He posted his picture there but I knew later that that was not his true picture. That was part of the trickery; an abuse to my naiveness and ignorance about the internet.
So many things had happened thru texting between us. He invented so many stories and I believed him of his kindness and sincerity because he assured me he was a friend and I really needed one. But how I cried too, thinking that it was all and only in texting and nothing more. We exchanged "I luv u" so many times. He assured me how he needed me, wanted me and that oneday I shall see him in person. I was so "bait" according to him to have accepted him eventhouhg how ugly he was in the picture...eventhough I knew that we could only be friends.But how he assured me of forever. I learned to loved him that way. Until oneday he said he married his girlfriend but even though, he still wanted me. "Ka gaga gid sa akon."
With all those things, I have kept him in my heart. And one day after his birthday in January 17, he started to be gone.
There were so many things that he told me and all those things were kept in my heart that's why I can always vividly remember. I've searched for him to know why he could just leave afterall... and I found out he was a priest. He was a Vice President for Academic Affairs in one of the schools here. He was misty-eyed when I found him, so afraid that I might condemn him, but I did not. I assured him that I understood and accept him as he was. Was I telling the truth? Yes I was but partly I was lying. For although I opened my heart to the truth that I was only a victim of his foolishness under his cloak of anonymity, I can't accept that a priest did these things to me. "Dahil tao lang siya?"
I don't know. But our relationship went on even though I already knew he was a priest. But the guilt and anguish have haunted me... I want him as the person he was when I never knew who really he was. I wanted to belong to him. I said "kahit kaibigan ok na lang, basta kaibigan tayo". That would be my greatest consolation, sige na lang..
He became so cold. I became so insecured. I didn't know where to I fit in to belong to him? And those phonesex .... I don't know.
One night in October 2004, I read his text; "Cge hon, mginternet ka pa, cra ang computer ko." I replied;" yel, ako ba tinitext mo?" He said; "H indi yong kalaro ko sa network game." I asked; "Bkit hon?, Di ba hon din tawag mo sa kin noon?" He said; "cra, honcho."
I don't know if I still could believe. "Para akong nilason..." I knew I am weak. I am not perfect. But is it fair?
Maria Gina Nismal Mandin
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