What an amazing journey I am on. I have decided the only way to look at the direction that my life is taking is to sit back and see where I end up. Maybe I should say where we end up...I thought at 19 when my Mother died of Breast Cancer that I had lived my tragedy. You know what I'm talking about, we are programed to believe that adversity makes us stronger, losing makes us appreciate winning, I have came to the conclusion at 45 years old there is no truth to these antedotes....no rhyme to the reason.
I married 3 weeks prior to my Mom's death in order to have her alive and breathing, laughing and crying on my Special Day! Six months into the marriage I became Pregnant, and it was actually planned. I yearned for a Daughter, needing to continue the bond between females that bond that somehow makes us feel complete. My Mother used to tell me one day I hope you have a Daughter, I hope she has dark hair and blue eyes...she would say that was a beauty mark...you just don't see dark hair and blue eyes. My Mother was Lebanese and her Family consisted of Raven Hair and Dark eyed beauties. Its funny how life repeats itself very early in our own existence. My Mother lost her own Mother when she was only 3 years old, shortly after arriving in America. Her Father was left to raise Five Daughters, my Mother and her twin sister the youngest. Her Mother had also bore three stillborn Son's, there death was contributed to Heart Defects. Again, I would see how life rewinds itself to mimic what has happened already. Well, just as my Mother had hoped and just as I had prayed for, My Daughter was born barely a year after my Mother's death, she was only 43. My Raven haired, blue eyed Daughter kept me among the living after losing my best friend, my extension of myself....Oh how I miss her. Today I breath, walk through me life, raise my children, comfort my Husband and all the while watching my Daughter suffer, laugh, give Birth...and fight like Hell to beat the Disease that has become her Cross to bear. How can we justify misery in the mist of happiness, immortality in the face of the prime of ones life, what can I do that will change her circumstances.