My wifes testimony!!!
I have spent tons of time putting things on this blog, everything but my testimony....I am going to share it with you guys, I was embarressed but I have nothing to be ashamed of anymore, God took my shame away, as I am writing this, I will end up going way back to a life that only left me numb, stone and cold.....A life that I hated a life that I didnt want, I wanted to die.....
At the age of 7 I was sexually molested by a young woman, she touched me and made me feel things I never knew or understood, too young to know, for the first time I felt excited, not knowing what that feeling was, too young to understand, all I know is that my innocense at that age was stripped from me...
At the age of 13 I was raped by a man that was like a father to me, I trusted him with all my heart, he was close to me, I am a fatherless child, with a mother who is sick and suffers from attacks, and a grandmother who is dying of cancer who she is also another mother to me....at that time, me and my mother never got along, I became a rebellious child, this man tried to put my mother against me and my sister against me by speaking evil about me...yet at the same time, he molested me many times more, I didnt know what to do, I was numb, scared felt dirty, I was in shock, didnt know why he did those things to me, or what did I do to make him that way...by the way he was a christian, excuse me let me rephrase that, he was a "so called" Christian, aint no real Christian would do such a thing, feel me? No child of God would do that, obviously he aint no Christian...but anyways he use to go to my room and grab my private parts and pray at the same time, and also read the bible to me as he sexually molested me and destroyed me with his filthy hands...He use to jerk off on me and tell me that this is how I was going to keep a man, that a man would never leave me if he taught me how to hold down a man....such lies....not only that but he did oral sex on me, how I hated it with such a passion, I hated him for it, but how could of I stopped him??? I felt paralyzed and I felt like a monster....I didnt know any better, I thought I was wrong and he was right, I didnt have no guidance, to show me and tell me this was right or this was wrong, that I didnt do anything to deserve such treatment.....when my family found out that I was raped and molested by this man, they said I was the blame, that I knew better and could of stopped him, that it was my fault...others said I deserved it, my mind was so screwed and my heart was ripped....at that time I was dating a guy, and this guy was no better, he use to beat me and he also raped me and if I didnt give him sex he would get angry and get violent, he would start choking me, when he found out I was raped, he got angry at me, why? because he didnt take my virginity, because he didnt get to me first....how cruel can people be???he never cared for me or what I felt, I was nothing....I then became a depressed kid, a kid that didnt like to bathe, a kid that was always away from people, didnt like the crowds much...I became a loner...at that time, one of my other sisters I had found out that she had aids, and she was dying....my sister ended up dying of aids, I thought my pops was dead, cuz he never looked for me, he didnt care for me, and soon my heart became hard, little by little, anger built inside me, with my first boyfriend, I started smoking weed, getting high, drinking, thats how it all started....I ended up pregnant and I killed my unborn child by getting an abortion, which hurt me the most, a scar that will never leave...as I grew older I grew more closed in, shut down more, built up brick walls and put on a disguise so that no one could see me, I did not want to be seen.....Soon I ended up dropping out of school, I was always that kid that was never wanted, I was always getting picked on, you know when kids choose their team and choose between sides, I was never chosen, I was always chosen last, nobody ever wanted me, I never fit in no matter how hard I tried, I was always an outcast...well my relationship with that man was over after years of being together, I finally left him, I started staying wit my brother in the bronx in NY, he was a drug addict, my smoking weed no longer hit me no longer did it get me high.
I started smoking crack, sniffing cocaine, kept doing drugs, always trying to get high so I could forget my pain...I would have sex with different type of man, I became so perverted, I went both ways, from straight to lesbianism, to nasty disgusting fantasies...I became numb, when it came to sex, no man, could touch me, kiss me, or caress me, I would always have sex with clothes on, never exposed myself, too ashamed of myself of my scars....men were not allowed to touch my arms, my back, not one single part of me was allowed to be touched...only to have sex with me, nothing more, then leave....I didnt allow any man to touch me, nor did I expose myself to them, after having sex I would cry, I didnt know why, but I would just sit back and cry. What did I expect? I didnt trust anybody, I lied to people, I was a notorious liar, lied about myself, lied about who I was, hiding my true face, I didnt want nobody to see a child living in pain....A child that hated herself and all she wanted was to taste death and for all to be over...I started covering myself, my eyes, my face, my body, I didnt want to expose myself, and little by little it became deeper and deeper the pain, until all I wanted to do was die, I hated my life, I liked cutting myself, mutilating my body, I wanted to feel pain, maybe by gutting myself I could feel, maybe by stabbing myself I could turn my switch on and let out the pain that was deep rooted in me... I was so numb, I wanted to feel pain in my flesh, because I felt like I had no pain, I felt no pain, completely stone...I was completely dead...It came to the point I would laugh away my pain, I would try to get back at people by acting like I didnt care, laughing in their face, a laugh of evil, when I would get mad, all I fed was my silence, till I explode....And start hurting myself again, I didnt hurt others, I wanted to hurt myself....because I was my worst enemy..what happened after that, I ended up in the mental house and all I did was cry, cry myself to sleep, wanting to die so bad, cuz I was tired of my life, of all that was done to me, of betrayal, hate and lies..I lived in the streets for so long, just wandering in the streets, when I left my house.
I even got so low to the point that I started selling myself, I needed to survive, you know?? people gotta do what they gotta do, the street life is hard, especially for a woman...
I became a prostitute, the meaning of a real prostitute, empty, cold, dead!! you would have sex with a dead body, but nothing more...just a body...soon it became a pleasure and a habit for me, what did I expect, I knew nothing more, I was never good enuff, for nothing, I was not smart enough, thats what I have been told, All I am good for is sex and nothing more...I dont deserve love, who am I to deserve it??? the world would love to get rid of people like me cuz we take up their space, their filthy world, that takes advantage of young innocent kids... Being a whore was all I was good at, and this is what prostitutes do, they dont kiss, they dont hug, they dont touch, they dont feel, just do what they gotta do and bounce....empty and cold.....I always ran away from truth, always leaving, hiding, always hiding my anger, never letting it out, exposing it, always breaking things, always trying to destroy things.....I was too afraid of people seeing me, of them looking into my eyes and seeing nothing but emptiness and despair, nothing but a whole in my soul...I didnt want nobody knowing me or even loving me....I felt I didnt deserve love, and all that had happened to me I felt I deserved it, I deserved to suffer, I deserved to die, to get raped, to get beat, to get high, to get treated like the prostitute that I was....someone who isnt even worth a penny...someone worth nothing....I tried to kill myself, but that didnt work, I tried so many times to die, but that didnt work, I tried to drink my life away but that didnt work either...get high all day,
overdose, but that didnt work....and the more I did these things, the emptier I felt...and I asked myself why do I have this emptiness, no matter what I do this emptiness in me is so deep that nothing can fill it....and all I did was cry myself to sleep hide tears of a dark cruel world that stripped my innocense from me...and all doctors wanted to do was fill me up wit prozack or pacsil, anything to get me off their back, or any other stupid drug, fill me wit drugs like I was some lunatick, nah, but I wasnt, I was just a young girl whos childhood was stripped from her....a girl that only wanted LOVE....but never found it, never got it, in return I got pain and abuse...I dont know if the reason that I was all messed up
was cuz of witchcraft that was done to me, or what? I never understood why, I was this way??? Soon after all this, I ended up meeting another man, I lived wit him in the bronx, and this man was on the run, I lived with him, got high like always, he was a heroine addict a crackhead and a theif, thats what he did for a living, I lived wit him until he got caught, he ended up doin time, and me like an idiot did time wit him, not only did I do time wit him, but I use to take bags of cocaine and heroine in the county, I use to put them drugs inside me so I dont get caught, passed it in the county, went to the bathroom and pooped it out, all day I was always on the run, going to street corners getting them drugs and smuggling runnin from the police...did that for 1 year straight, 3 times a week, all day...would buy bags I mean yo big bags of heroine and crack, I would bag them up into a balloon and stuffed them inside me and passed it to him.
I took care of everything when it had to do wit drugs...I traveled everywhere if it had to do wit being a mule...This was my life, I was like an inmate the difference is that I was on the other side of the fence....what I do, I use to pour my I.D wit alchohol, my pockets, my sleeves, and my shoulders, all the time I washed my coat constantly so that I didnt get caught, make sure my hands were clean...
I was like a criminal, once again my innocense stripped from me again...I dealt wit this for years, yo I was dying, bleeding, and I still smuggled, I could of been dead...Those balloons could of exploded inside me and that would of been the end of me...
I knew how the county of the jails worked, what they do and how to do the thing....I became a professional at it, what a shame and what life I had to live....how I hated myself, how I was full of anger such anger it was destroying me, only I got more closed in, to the point I didnt want nobody seeing me....I started hiding myself never exposing myself, hiding myself wit coats at a 100 degree whether, ya know what that is??? I was ashamed of myself, I hated myself....I was this way for 5 years....body full of scars and my soul full of scars that will never erase....
Soon I ended up being a phone sex operator, selling myself once more, made mad money, so much money that it started corrupting my mind body and soul more, I became more perverted, always masterbating, and all I did was speak to strangers whom I never knew, they would treat me like a whore a spik, just like everyone else did, they look at me and judge me cuz of how I look, they never cared for the real me, they cared only to abuse and mistreat me and rape me and kill me.....my ex mans main drug dealer, the top head tried to kill me, put a gun to me and tried to whip me wit it could of killed me but once again I was never alone....all I was good for was selling myself, giving sex and being an object something to be used and then thrown away...nothing more was I good for, cuz I didnt have an education neither I was a drop out from 10 grade...
I also lost a child, I had a baby girl, and she died in my arms, she breathed her last breath in my arms, as I saw her die, ya know what that is??? that was my child, and I lost her, she died on my arms, how torn I was, how lost I felt....
But God is faithful to people like us street kids, you see, he uses people like us for his Glory, one day when I was heading to prison at night, my best friend called me and asked me, if I thought this was hell, hell on earth, and I said I think so, thats what people say, and she said no, this is not hell, but there is a hell, and soon little by little she started talking to me about God, I never knew God I was ignorant to him, nobody ever witnessed to me about Jesus, never!!! and I started remembering how I always looked at one scripture just one that was in my mothers house sticking to the wall, everytime I would look at that scripture my heart would cry out to God, without even knowing it...the scripture that I read was:
"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest"Matthew 11:28
that was the only scripture I ever knew, and how I clung to it and held it near my heart, how burdened I was, how heavy my heart was
I felt God calling me....I felt him tugging at my tortured heart...This scripture spoke to my heart in volumes man for real, how my mouth did not speak, oh but how my heart spoke a thousand words, and I didnt even notice that God heard them all...my heart wanted him, but I didnt know how to reach him, I didnt know anything, nobody taught me, nobody took the time to witness to me of Jesus, I could of died and went to hell, and nobody would of cared cuz nobody never told me who Jesus was....but God is good, cuz he dont forget his own, he sent my best friend to open my heart, I became curious of God little by little, and I ended up finding myself at interest of him, one day my best friend was on the phone and I wanted salvation, I wanted to call on Jesus but I didnt know how, I was afraid to tell my bestfriend, help me pray cuz I didnt know how to pray, but God knew my heart, my thoughts and spoke thru her, as she said, would you want me to pray with you, and I said yes, I didnt know what to expect cuz I never done that before, but I had enough faith to step up to the plate and give my heart to Christ....did I expect this to happen, nope, not even close.....after I gave my heart to Christ, no joke ya, my life completely changed, did a U-Turn, my habits stopped the minute I got saved, he took everything wrong wit me and got rid of it, I dont know how,but he did, I no longer got high, no longer smoked, no longer drank, and gave up that filth of a job, I gave up all that money I made, I made 50 to 60 gees a year, or more I would say, 2, 000 to 3,000 dollars a week, but you know what??? at that time I didnt care for that money, God captivated my heart with his love, and money no longer meant nothing to me, I let go of money, sex, drugs all of it, God got rid of it, and my life changed!!! If God can change my life, he can change yours too, he changed me and I never thought that could be possible, but he did....its true what he says, with man all things are impossible but with him all things are possible....he healed my wounds and gave me a new heart, a heart that after that day, was on fire for him, all I wanted to do was read his word, and be with him and little by little my pain left and started fading, and like my husband said, the husband that God gave me said, I started opening up like a flower, a flower that started to blossom, a butterfuly out of her cocoon....and I learned to not run anymore, to not hide, but to face whats in front of me, that no matter what happens I am no longer alone, I have GOD, and he loves me more than anybody, for all that he done for me, he led me out of my life of hell and gave me love a love that this world cannot offer.....now I am happily married to a man that I am in love with very much, a man of GOD, how God has blessed me, knowing I didnt deserve it, he blessed me and never left nor forsook me.....he healed me and dried my tears and brought my dead heart to life again....once I was dead and now I live......Praise be to GOD almighty, now I serve him and his kingdom....
"They cried unto thee, and were delivered: they trusted in thee, and were not confounded...."Psalms 22:5
And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me...Psalms 50:15
For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling...Psalms 116:8
He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds..Psalms 147:3
Great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite...Psalms 147:5
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint...Isaiah 40:31
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.Isaiah 41:10
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life....John 3:16
Believe on the LORD JESUS CHRIST and thou shalt be saved...Acts 16:31
Be not afraid, only BELIEVE..Matthew 5:36
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end, then shall ye call upon me and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you, And ye shall seek me and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart...Jeremiah 29:11-13
Call unto me and I will be answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things which thou knowest not...Jeremiah 33:3
If he can save me, he can save anybody, all you need to do is open your heart and let him in.....you think this life is good???? no, its not, this life has nothing to offer you but death....I know I have been there....give your heart to Jesus he is the only one who can set you free and break the chains of the devil....
He broke my chains and now I am free, Praise be to GOD almighty.....
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