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what do i do


woke up this morning felt ok but not fine. put on something that would kinda boost that feeling of well...whatever it is...get to yoga caint take it ne more. im late but leave early. my body isnt letting me get that exercise....its took a lot out of me to walk across campus to my next class. i get there in one piece...and lay down. it spreads evenly throughout my body. put my head down so no one can see...and i find tears. they say it wont affect the baby but why do i need to have medication during delivery? i told my aunt she said no big deal. only it is a big deal. what if my son is that one in whatever chance of non survival? what do i do?
i think back to that visit how i arrived happy, and left sad. i cried because i couldn't reschedule the appointment to the test and id miss two classes. in the waiting room before all that happened tho...i saw a father. not a dad but a real life father. he had a baby girl. the way he held her, looked at her, burped her, fed her, and wiped her mouth...made me wonder if my son ever have that. should i call avion? well my heart wont let me. do i miss? like crazy? do i hate him? more than anyone else...but at the same time i find the feeling in m heart to forgive him and somehow thank him for giving me my son. i know him leaving only helped me become stronger, but im physically week at this second. idk how i can find it in me to even sit up and type this blog. it feels as if i have a fever...sitting in lava. im dizzy and my stomach is tight. what do i do? i look at my son in the mirror. hes getting so big so fast. hell be here sooner than i know it. i want his dad to come around and be here for the so far hardest part of my pregnancy...i need to feel his arms around me again and see his comforting smile. our son is in danger, and there is nothing i can do.....

Posted: November 12, 2008 

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