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whats a family?


so recent news of my ex grilfriend being pregnant.was like wow. he told me in the hospital and said he needed to give her that title so she wouldnt leave and take care of his daughter. oh so she went from being the sitter to his girl..to being pregnant and moving in. funny tho he broke up with me a week after he pruposed and said he needed more time to be single...so y be with her? ugh i dont get it. i mean lord knows that im more than happy that his children will have him there..

but does being there for our kids mean having an unsaitfying relationship?

seems like in his case yes. we talked. everything ive been feeling but not expressing just came out. i cried and cried and cried. i couldnt figure out if it was becuase im hurt, mad, or jealous. well i dont want him back so defin not mad...hurt yes...why? becuase he gets the family and i dont!

he asked me why i caint be there for him. i remineded him that although hes been there for me my entire pregnancy, hes never been happy for me. he said its cus hes hurt like my pregnancy is all his fault. i told him i couldnt be happy for him...i told him everything ive been feeling about not being able to give my son the life i alwasy pictured my children having. a family. a big house. lots of love, toys and happines, but most importantly a father. i couldnt go through the abortion...its not jaelins fault im in this mess. i ciant give him up for adoption because well ive already let one person leave his life and i caint and refuse to be the second. so adoption is totally out of the answer. so now what?

i wonder why this happened since people say everything happens for a reason. and then after all of that it hit me. ive always wanted a good man, but what i really needed was someone to love me, someone that wouldnt hurt me, and never leave. and what i got my entire life was so called men that cheat, and leave. but what i wanted was a good man, what i needed is my son.

althought it doesnt always feel like it, i know that this is how my life should be. me n my ex are both were me need to be and thats with our children. loving them, and doing our best to care for them. everything will work out in the end becuase it all happens for a reason.

as a little girl i dreamt of a family...and what i found in my son was my family.

jaelin nasier anthony stewart will be here sooner than expected and im so scared, i doubt everything, but i know deep down somewhere near my mid-drift is the man ive always searched for. the man ive always needed to love, the man that will always love me. no its not the family i always dreamt of but i wouldnt have it any other way.

so why be jealous the one who takes family for granted got the family when i already have the perfect family. i have my family. i found unconditional love, i found it in my son. i found it in my family. and i know that even though most the time i cry cus im scared shitless and wonder how ill ever afford this, that my son came to me for a reason. i wanted a little girl, but what i needed was man. and thats what i got. how could i not be greatfull. things really do happen for a reason.


Posted: December 15, 2008 

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