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Ok. I didn't start this yet. (Posted: Apr 6)
I just bought a little laptop like computer and remembered this site and how I wanted to blog someplace safe. With this new purchase I will have the opportunity to now blog any time without intruding on others for use of the computer. Hey, I just remembered now I can play poker again. LOL. The world has opened up to me again. Smile.

Well my journey to find myself has been a constant work in progress for me. I still don't know who I am or what I want to be. I know my desires and I am trying to not let outside influences make my choice for me. It is hard though.

I desire a simple life that is full of love, giving and receiving. It shouldn't be this hard for someone that is non-materialistic. I don't need things, I do need love. I have thought many times that I found it in my life, especially recently. I still think he is the love of my life, my soulmate. But you can't force someone to love you. Believe me I have tried and tried. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me but then changes on a dime to the other spectrum. I don't blame him, for he has his own issues and stresses. He is a great guy and I thought I was the great girl that would make the great couple. But life just doesn't happen that way.

I am someone who has been thru many challenges in life. I don't place blame on anyone, but the challenges have left me with many things to take care of.

First, like many people (boys and girls), I am a survivor of incest. It was traumatic for me and my family. The worse wasn't the abuse, betrayal or the abandonment, it was the being the one that finally spoke up against it and that caused my family to come apart. This is something that I never have gotten over it. I will never get over it and I will continue to try to make amends to the people that this news caused the most pain. But in doing so, I have never dealt with my own feelings about it. I just push my feelings aside to take care of others first.

Second, like most incest survivors, this has effect every part of my life. I have made wrong or bad choices that have caused myself great deal of anguish. I got married too, way too, young. I had a beautiful child, but again, way too young. I divorced too late into the relationship. I wasted some precious time trying to make something work that was never going to work. I have jumped from job to job, I have jumped from living place to living place. This is what some incest survivors done, run from their own feelings.

Third, I have a wonderful gift, it is my job and I love it. But because of a life of challenges, I have let myself down and self-esteem does not exist in me. I could of produced great results in my profession but I always put it aside for the dream of being with that "soulmate".

So this blog is going to be about me. I am going to go thru some of my feelings, dreams and aspirations. I will try to make it as clear as possible, but sometimes feelings are not clear. This is definitely be a work in progress and I will jump from subject to subject.

But this is for ME, not for you or anyone else. It is my way of dealing with being on my own for the first time in a long time. It is time to stop running and time to sit with myself and sort thru this.

I don't know when I will be writing. I don"t know how often this will happen. If you want to comment, be my guest. I can not be torn down any further than I already am.

Thanks for reading.

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